Goals and Aspirations are…just that. I set mine out at the beginning of the year, when I had loads of reasons to be excited and energised for the year ahead. “Everything needs to start with a portfolio” I said, and while I’ve technically achieved in that aspect it hasn’t been in the way I wanted to ideally wanted it to be. So while I approached this year with the absolute best intentions, health problems reminded me about what I need to prioritise first; even if it has led to a feeling of stagnation.
Getting to work on unique projects this year however was such a treat, in that sense it was a busy start to the year as I juggled a couple of short form projects as a cinematographer. Both have since shot and entered post-production, crediting me in different capacities which I’m very humbled by, and were projects I wish I could see through to the end; both have been added to the website now under the "Narrative" section. Adding another ball to that juggle act were my few days as a daily marshal on Empire of Light, which recently premiered at the Toronto Film Festival to great reviews and is coming to cinemas around end of 2022/beginning of 2023; an entry for this is also on the website in the "Narrative" section now. In that experience, I really learnt about all the busy work that goes into creating the working conditions on such a coordinated shoot for the benefit of pedestrians and production crew. While I only got glimpses into the jobs and departments I aspire to be in, and was stuck with the more unglamorous jobs, it was great to feel apart of a workforce that easily made me feel welcome. And who knows, maybe the slither of networking I did with the camera department might result in something in the future; as I said previously “If you want to specialise in your department first and wait for openings, perhaps go the other way”. Regardless, I wouldn’t have had that level of confidence if it wasn’t for the ScreenSkills mentorship programme.
Unfortunately when you feel like you’re finally getting some momentum, something finds a way of getting you to stop. For me its been a common theme in my life, as complicated health problems had to be dealt with by using equally complicated long term treatments. For those reading this that perhaps didn’t follow the journey on social media like Instagram, June and July saw me take up an intensive six-week course of radiotherapy to treat a long term tumour that wrapped itself around the nerves in my lower back. This was a problem we monitored at the beginning of the year, meaning all throughout the good time I had in that period this was lurking in the background, and it eventually came to the fore. It was the reason I had pains down my legs, that affected how I walked, it was the reason I couldn’t go to BSCine this year, a show I desperately wanted to get to, because I was too worried about how I’d cope with the day and finally it became the ultimate reason for why I had to drop both aforementioned unique projects and cut my time on Empire of Light shorter than I liked.
The time during radiotherapy was from one extreme to the other; first three weeks I was fine, I was lucky enough to see the Alexa 35 early at the CVP ARRI Creative Space, bend my Dads ear about Greek Mythology at the British Museum and go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum. However, the last three weeks felt much more hard emotionally, as the swelling kicked in, I started to miss home comforts and ended up confined to a wheelchair and a strict painkiller strategy. To say the first few weeks gave me a good outlook would be an overstatement, while the latter half made me feel more stagnated and fearful that I regressed.
Quickly things get real from that point forward. While the treatments were quick most days the monotony of the setting, the treatments being non-eventful and longevity of my planned course of treatment gradually grated away at my resolve. While I, and my Dad, could distract ourselves in the first half of the cycle, that became harder and harder as I felt worse and worse. It made me realise how naive I was about this challenge, and about how it would physically affect me. Visits from friends and family at this point really helped, as did therapy sessions and general support from the Teen-age Cancer Trust, in lifting my spirits; in a time where I felt like and was walking like an old man mainly from my bed to the bathroom.
In perspective, it feels like a year of realisation so far. I realised that I had to prioritise different things; and while that lead to a feeling of stagnation, work wise and creative wise, it was better for my health to do so. On reflection as well, this year has felt more like a year of luck. I was lucky to be remembered by friends and asked to join their projects, lucky to see the chance to get on my first professional film set; and was extremely unlucky to have a flare up of pain just before BSCine, and to have my treatment come on top of the actual production shoots it was a problem I had to try and solve. So while I struggled to put my own initiative and drive on what I wanted to achieve, luck and friendships with family and work have played just as much of a part as well. For the rest of the year then I'm trying to make the best of it by getting myself a bit fitter, a bit more mobile and generally a bit more used to "adult" life. While I've accepted I've probably missed any more opportunities to get on professional sets this year, my aim now is to get myself ready to tackle those big opportunities that come next year by applying for trainee schemes, networking with others and by trying to be noticed in the camera department community.
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