In studying as a filmmaker at University, I enjoyed every minute of it to be frank, but even so I was always worried about my ability and confidence to network and contact others. As a reserved, shy but loyal person, which I attribute to my autism and other life events, my default is to see what I can do on my own even if it can hamper the quality of what I make.
Just over a year ago I made a series of 14 micro Self isolation shorts, which was collectively called 'Things to Do in Self Isolation', which were simple and fun. I was really inspired by the idea of doing that sort of series because it felt productive, mindful and largely self contained for myself first and foremost. But while I planned them out to be simple and easy, I could never entirely shake away my nerves about doing it. For my filmmaking event this year though, Filmmaking March, and for last year I feel it could be summed up by one meme I saw the other day.
I never considered that any of those shorts should have a deep story, and that's ok. But what is important is the planning that goes into everything you do, and you learn that more and more. And on reflection, I planned 'Things to Do In Self Isolation' much better than I did any of my current shorts that are in production as I was more inspired by the idea. Consequently, I felt I could link them together better with production details in comparison to the shorts I'm doing this year. Is this down to a loss of inspiration?, a hangover from being in the education system as a student for nearly 20 years? I ultimately think of it as both. More and more over the year I have struggled to get myself to be productive in a filmmaking and creative sense, as I worry more and more about where to go next. And in another way that has led to a drop in my personal standards with these projects, even though I should see this as a test of my standards and rise to the occasion. Self motivation can come and go and this is why I struggle to be a truly independent, one-man-band filmmaker. My standards start, stop and end with me and me alone and I find that hard to do on my own.
"If the machinery of it all seems too big and scary and overwhelming its great. You wake up in the morning and do it anyway"- Martin Scorsese
Even so, they can be learned by doing what feels the most gruelling tasks and through sheer will. At the moment, I feel like I'm facing that gruelling task as what I'm doing currently is more intricate than any 'Things to Do In Self Isolation' short and is aimed at improving my skills as a filmmaker. While I should be excited by the challenge, my confidence is not at the same level as it was a year ago. On the whole this feels more like a brick wall than I'd like it to be, and in relearning the lesson that 'the job is never always easy' it will ultimately improve my worth and standards later down the line.
Comments